So there’s this clickbait making the rounds in Facebook groups I’m in.
Given the source I don’t think this is a real thing that actually happened. But let’s pretend it did, as a lot of Facebook commenters seem to believe.
A lot of comments this clickbait receives are just pure unmitigated violent misogyny that in an ideal world would earn a police visit and perhaps a protective order. Stuff like “he should pay the doctor to make her die sooner”. I’m going to skip over those reactions.
But I’ve also seen a lot of negativity towards this hypothetical wife even from supposedly enlightened, open-minded quarters. E.g. that it’s a “slap in the face” in a hitherto monogamous relationship.
I know of lots of people—especially a lot of women—who realized they wanted to sleep someone other than their monogamous husband. Even without the artificial forcing-function of a bleak cancer prognosis. It often happens right around when they finish having kids. And I know a number of them who went ahead and did it, usually without asking first. And I know a lot of those people who then had a heartfelt conversation, and are still living with and raising kids with their original partner, even as they each happily and non-monogamously date other people. It happens more often than you might think.
I don’t believe monogamy is inherently toxic. But monogamy that takes the whole “we, two growing and changing humans in a dynamic world are gluing ourselves into this one configuration for all eternity” part literally? Yeah, that kind is definitely toxic. It is incompatible with life.
Here’s the thing: Grownups don’t ask each other permission to carry on with their lives. Grownups choose what they want, communicate clearly, accept the consequences, and keep the people in their lives who can accept it. All the more so if you have 9 months to live.
But Goat, don’t you also believe that egoist individuality is a scam, and that people only truly exist in interdependence? This sounds like an awfully individualistic declaration from you.
That’s a great point, invented interlocutor! Randian individualists who do exactly what they “want” without taking into account the people around them are the worst. And I put “want” in quotes, because no one actually wants things in isolation. We aren’t platonic individuals; even our own desires are inspired by and interwoven with our community. You’re absolutely right that I spend a lot of time ranting against that kind of narcissistic egoism in supposedly progressive, post-purity-culture circles!
On the flip side, as a grownup, asking another person permission to live your life is not healthy. There are certain negotiated lifestyle dominant/submissive dynamics wherein it might make sense. But 24/7 lifestyle submission is a whole other can of (often problematic) worms I don’t want to get into right now. The important part is that a lot of people treat monogamous relationships as if they are an ownership situation even though a) people don’t own each other; and b) they never explicitly negotiated the ownership. They just let society implicitly dictate it to them.
So, how might this conversation go in a way that takes into account both adult agency, and mature interdependence? Let’s imagine…
Listen, remember Bob? We’ve been talking again lately, and I’ve realized I still really want to fuck him. No this isn’t a sublimated expression about inadequacy in our own intimacy; I just enjoy the way his dick curves. Anyway, I was wondering how much it would bother you if I spent a night with him? Like, is it something that you could live with so long as you get enough reassurance that I still adore you? Or would you feel the need to leave me if I did it?
Obviously this is an abbreviated version of a conversation. Or more likely multiple conversations. But that’s the gist of what it might look like to state a direction without asking permission. After these conversations, the wife has some thinking to do and some decisions to make… and importantly, she will have to accept the consequences of those decisions. If she decides to go through with it and the husband can’t live with a shift to sexual non-monogamy, that’s a legitimate boundary. He may need to remove himself from her life, with all the upheaval that entails.
The point is, this is a shift lots of people go through, usually with less forethought and consideration than the original clickbait implies. And the way a lot of people react to it denies both agency and interdependency. They deny agency by accepting the idea that an adult person should ask permission to make choices with their own body and their own time. They deny interdependence by asserting that the only alternative to ownership is careless selfishness.
There’s a space that’s less between, and more beyond both ownership and selfishness. I recommend it.